好友排行榜

最近，上Facebook很勤，留言也很多
突然發現，自己想念的人大多在台北
都不是前情人，就是朋友和家人而已，而且朋友居多
只是那些朋友都跟我的家人沒有兩樣

常常覺得妹妹在身邊其實不錯，她就住在我隔壁棟
除了有免費的晚餐、電腦維修（我妹夫負責的）以外，真的可以談很多
朋友常常羨慕我有一個做同行，且能夠了解我的妹妹（雖然了解不代表她認同）
真心想想，我也覺得幸運
可以隨時吵架、隨時和好，一起逛街、一起罵電視
她不會Judge我的對與錯，雖然她會在心裡搖搖頭
她不會規定我日子該怎麼過，雖然她有時看不下去
她讓我發現，有妹妹真好，她是姊姊的守護者（放心，我不會要你捐腎的）
她的存在，提醒我不同的思考（牡羊座跟處女座差太多了，就算是上升的魔羯座跟天秤座也差很遠），加上熱情牡羊的噓寒問暖有時很煩，但卻蠻感心的

另一個比較常想念的朋友是國臣（也許因為他跟我妹長得很像，比我還像）
或許因為過去一起經歷的美好歲月，或許因為有部份很相似的好強與挑剔
有些天真的個性相同到應該互揍對方（這樣的不社會化會被欺負的）
有些對美好的想像與堅持應該互相擊掌（繼續互相加油的部份）

還有，吳佳玲，另一個少數可以制住我，或念我的人
即使，有時他比我迷糊，比我混亂
但，他有時候就是有驚人的神准
那，天蠍座的快、狠、准真的有點給我承受不了
還好，我皮算厚，不然至少很會裝沒事
但，心裡還是有給它打到啦

更多的朋友，因為我懶得寫而沒被放入榜中
不要急，下回我還會繼續寫的。

What will you put into the luggage if it's the end of the world?

這次過年回台北剛好遇上剛搬家，原本四個房間變成三個房間
其實也好啦，我跟我妹都在上海，沒事幹嘛家裡屯著兩個空房間
但，這個舉動也頓時讓我們發現林式姊妹屯東西的本事

我是那個明顯的罪魁禍首，我妹就算不是被我推下水，也算有嫌疑

所以，一回家就被告之“把沒用的東西，丟掉吧“
“沒用的東西“，聽起來很簡單，但判斷起來很困難

對我媽來說，我跟我妹的CD和書都是“沒用的東西“，她的陳年衣服（當然質料好到爆）就不是
我畫畫的用具是“沒用的東西“，但從小大到的照片就不是
對我妹來說，我那一排影響雜誌很佔位置；對我來說，她的Archive比較礙眼

到頭來說，“沒用“還是“有用“，已經不是用不用得著，或者還在使用的定義，而是“價值觀“

這場戰爭中，我弟都沒有加入
因為他的東西，在換了一個女友後，已經處理了大部分了
（是不是男人比較不戀物，他的行為讓我想到我一個住上海的朋友，他喜歡搬家，每搬一次就丟一堆東西，他說，這樣才能Moving Forward，簡直是TOYOTA的Slogan寫照）

開始整理東西了
一堆旅遊的記憶，除了照片外，大多丟了
其中還包括別人特別從南非帶給我的珠珠做的土著娃娃
一堆不穿了的衣物，太奇怪的、穿不下的、退流行的，都丟了
街友應該會很高興，不介意穿女裝的可以和犀利哥比美
但許小姐應該不會高興，因為我把他送我的也丟了
我已經無法再接受那種品味了

然後，就要向書櫃前進了
這是最困難的事情
不但要決定哪些丟，哪些賣，還得決定留下的要放哪兒
在過程中，我才發現，我已經很久沒整理自己了
連大學的筆記，作業，課本都還在
我想我家人不是太怕我，就是太懶得理我
所以，到了這關鍵時刻，才叫我自己仍掉
整理完後，丟掉的就有四五十本（主要是我影印的書）
賣給二手書攤的就有快兩百本（買進價格超過三萬台幣，賣出價格只有兩千四）
最後留下的，還是...很多，但有多少呢？

這樣說吧，如果多放幾張椅子，加上王阿姨（我媽啦）現煮咖啡
應該可以開個林式姊妹書香咖啡廳吧。
且書本式照出版社還有作者國籍排列的
你可以猜出哪個作者獲勝第一名嗎？
沒錯，就是出了1Q84的村上老先生
洋人的話，不是Paul Auster，也不是Graham Greene
而是寫戒酒紐約偵探的布洛克

突然間，我在思考“如果末世來臨，我頂多只能帶我的Romova，那我要裝什麼東西在裡面？“
我想，除了求生需要的衣物外，我會帶一本詩集，可能是，辛波絲卡的，而不是夏宇的
或者，一本童話書；魯西迪的“哈樂與故事之海“，跟路易斯卡羅的“愛莉絲夢遊仙境“正在互相PK
雖然我喜歡電影也喜歡音樂，但沒有了電，書本似乎是唯一選擇

我的決定，我想，對於很多人來說，還是不切實際的
在關注生存的時候，我竟然還想帶本書
只是，如果沒有故事，那活著的意義在哪裡？
我是這樣覺得的

If it's the end of the world, like "The Road",
What could u bring with u?

The Best Language

I don't know why I'm always with tear while I see someone dancing, of course, it should be done by the great dancers. I always ask why? why not songs? though I love music with all my heart. why not speeches? I always feel passion through the most touching speeches.

I watched "so u think u can dance" recently, and I feel quite moved all the show. In the beginning, I don't know why I'm always moved with tears, and then I get that, cuz it's the best language for me. I prefer ppl will understand me with my pose, my gestures more than with my talking.

I know, I know, sometimes I speak too much, and sometimes it's doesn't what I want to communicate. Too familiar with talking is my weakness, and the most weak part is I don't want to say it straight.

And, I prefer dancing, cuz it's not only the communication but also something more deeply and simple way to express yourself.

Feel more about yourself, and face to it, you will find the real your in you.

Simple could be beautiful

Sometimes, I think about what life I want to live, dramatic as movies? or peaceful as old people? In fact, it depends on what I feel at the moment. I'm the one who likes to live in the moment, enjoy everything I can have, no matter happy, sad, peaceful, dramatic or just simply moved.

Just a simply smell can make me happy, just a clear sound will move me, just a stupid joke can make me laugh, just a sad movie will burst my tears. I can always sense everything, and enjoy it, a piece of creamy cheese, a freezing but fresh air, a falling leave, a decent attitude, a friendly smile, a nice song, an old movie, a nice bed, a good massage, a big hug, a passionate kiss, a glass of red wine, a smell of Jasmin tea, a vivid color, an imaginative curve, a tender touch, a serious documentary film with good intention, a speed of the racing car, a shining surface of my shoes, even some dirt, some old furniture, some ashes of my cigarette, some nice but not necessary bags, some sweet lies..., all I believe is if you can be touched by any small thing, you can feel fulfilled in your life, oh, I forget something else, sometimes the achievements, sometimes satisfaction from work, sometimes extreme crazy dreams..., no matter the thing is big or small, important or not so big deal, obvious or hidden, glamorous or not..., if you can make yourself feel more, then you can feel joy.

I thought of rejecting my senses about the world before. At the time, I thought my sense is too strong to bear. Sense the relationship is too heavy, sense the politics around me is too frustrated, even sense the ecstasy of life is too much day-dreaming..., if you can sense more, then mean you need to bear more. I was totally wrong at the time, just depends on what I can have my perspectives, even bad memory could be sweet in the future, if I can take it as a lesson or a challenge.

So, I just enjoy everything, love everything I can have now, you know, simple could be very beautiful, if you want.

Shame

Is it because that she is Virgo? She easily feel shamed since she was born.

For her, shame is a kind of smell.
Sometimes it's the smell mixed with blood and pain, it's easy to sense her own smell while she is the period, this smell is so strong that can not be ignored, even if she uses lots of perfume and try to hide it. The clue of expectation about mating and procreation makes her face blush.
Sometimes, it's the smell mixed with saliva and hug, she can sense this while she meets her ex-es, a fading love with some fragment memories of the past intimacy, she suddenly blushes while she aware of this.


Different from most people feel happy about being accomplished, she always be in the unreal dizziness while she senses the hypocritical smell of the accomplishment, she feels in a loss and can not touch the ground, then her face turns red in a dizziness. Another shame is more direct and with anger, no, maybe u should call it "Humiliation", that only happens while she feel being misunderstood, at this moment, she will show her proud and persistent, just like the Jean d'Arc, but just her unhidden blush will leak out her true feeling, Shame.


She will feel shame while she senses the inappropriate smell , the noisiness, the unfitting wardrobes, undignified sights, the physical contacts without the awareness of personal space, those were fermented from behaviors lack of cultivation, all of these will make her feel the shame, just because she is aware of a fact, these people are living in the same place with her. And in some workplaces, she will sense the smell of mistrust, some premeditation of competitor's attacks, some gossips with intention, some interests of the rake-off, some intrigues, she just penetrates all these but feels her inability, then she feels shame.


Then, she feel a new style of shame comes from her body, while she's lying in his arms, a feeling with too much happiness that she can not afford, an uncertainty of facing the love prospects of her own, make her hide her blushing face into his arms, deeper and deeper.

Nightmare

She dreamed a man in the balcony,
She didn't see his face.
The frame is tight, all she saw is his body, her shadow and a little sky, 30cm high and 60 elevation from the ground.

The color of the dream is the very deep Burgandy Red.
What she weared is a bloody-red tight dress, she just approached the man who weared Burgandy Red silk shirt, and black trousers.
There are full of tension in the air.
After she closed to him, he pushed her head down to his crotch,
he zips down and let his cock out, and pushed her head downer to his cock.

Cut to the close-up shot, in his crotch,
Color becomes darker, a smell of corruption comes out,
She did him a blow job with an evil speed,
No background music, no ambient sound, no sigh, no scream,
Just a smell of hard-working.

At the limit of his orgasm, she bite his cock,
So strange feeling, it's like some chewing tissues,
Then, she gnawed his cock and his cum
At that moment, she pushed him down to the balcony.
He fell out.

Jump into another scene, there come lots of children, the color turns to black and white.

She was in the middle, 10 to 12 children surround her, they are from 5 to 8, girls and boys, what they wear are school uniforms, some little girls dress like the dolls.
It's a middle shot, they surround her and dance around, she started to feel dizzy.
Now with music, it's Small Waltz.

Suddenly, the music changed, became anxious, the high pitch almost break through the sky.

Cut to close shot.

Children started to go crazy and tried to bite her, they bite her fingers, her arms and her legs. And their face look cruel.
She suddenly got a shotgun in her hand, then she started to shoot them, everyone.
They fell down to the ground one by one, and their faces turned back to the innocent.

In the end, she was with the 10-12 dead children body in the frame.
Yes, she wear white dress, Now the frame is with color, it's blood, and only on her dress.

The blood of the children is black.

The Patterns of Fate of the Palm--The First Unsent Love Letter

When she touches his hand at the first time, it's already 4am.

This big bony hand still can feel the smoothness and gloss that doesn't belong to a man.

Through the dialects between hands and the patterns of fate, they start to dig out the background of each other, the unpredictable future, and also the sweat, the trembling, the heart beat through their holding hands, entangled fingers.

The mood arouse their emotion, make the passionate but uncertain love affair go on and on. In the confused, disturbed atmosphere, she just dodges and avoid any tenderness, obsession and even doubts through his eyes. There are some certain scenes, familiar faces, the never-ending stories in her mind during the intense interlacing of them.