The Patterns of Fate of the Palm--The First Unsent Love Letter

When she touches his hand at the first time, it's already 4am.

This big bony hand still can feel the smoothness and gloss that doesn't belong to a man.

Through the dialects between hands and the patterns of fate, they start to dig out the background of each other, the unpredictable future, and also the sweat, the trembling, the heart beat through their holding hands, entangled fingers.

The mood arouse their emotion, make the passionate but uncertain love affair go on and on. In the confused, disturbed atmosphere, she just dodges and avoid any tenderness, obsession and even doubts through his eyes. There are some certain scenes, familiar faces, the never-ending stories in her mind during the intense interlacing of them.

5 Fragments of film

I.

That is not Yo Yo Ma
And not Bach for sure
What I want is to ignite the gunpowder
Just in the bar of the Buenos Aires
Blow up



II.

In the beginning, there comes out the word "Blade"
Is it the relationship what we got?
And then I found another word "Entangled"
Then I truly hope that has never happened, Le Roseaux sauvages of mine


III.

Look, there is no expression on her face
But the connection between us is written between her joints
When my left little finger moves, her right knee will feel the happiness
Then my right forefinger tics, her left wrist senses the sadness
I seem to know her, or maybe I don't
The Double Life of Veronique, the common name of mine and hers


IV.


Applause with feet
Even I don't have the arms like commons
Swing with all my happiness
I still have my sense
Just there, in the second joint of little toe of My Left Foot


V.

Before the spacecraft departed, It still remembered to look back
The shinning sunlight is reflected from the huge apron
Then aroused it to cry
Just at the moment while it saw its wife
Her black huge body with six feet
Standing above Dune

Disinfected Water and The Regular Disinfected Swimming Pool

1988, September
She dreamed about a bottle of water.

The windowsill of the dark kitchen. The refrigerator with the reddish-beown rust handle. The ceramic tile with blue and white lattice pattern. The moon lacks of a piece. The second layer white lattice of the refrigerator. There is a bottle of water.


1988, May
The second floor of Fule Building on the Dunhua north road. The VIP room of the Solar System MTV. Mr. Y, Miss H, Mr. G, Mr. K and her. 72-inch projecting screen. Yoshimitsu Morita and Banana Yoshimoto, Matsuda Yūsaku was not there. It is a fairy-tale movie. It talks about a weird family, inexplicable friendly attitude, the relationship with distance, as well as a variety of cooking process. The transparent tea pot and glass with icy black tea, the salad bowl, the salad sauce, the crispy deep-fried pork chop with rice, and the fruit mixer with blue dim of happiness in the dark. Simply happiness. Of course, the refrigerator, beneath the windowsill of the dark kitchen. That is the only source of light.


1989, Match
She dreamed about a bottle of water constantly. Dreamed about the refrigerator. That dark kitchen. The only source of light is the bottle of water in the refrigerator.

According Banana Yoshimoto's novel, "Kitchen" is the only place that Sakurai can fall asleep after her grand mom's death, strictly definition is "slept beneath the refrigerator", the place that is closed to that bottle of water. But for Yoshimitsu Morita, "the dark kitchen" and "the white old-modeled refrigerator" is the opening of the film, the dim light is the romantic way of hope. The visual is neat and fine. The novel is with some certain smell of death.

She likes the visual of Yoshimitsu Morita. It builds the beauty of dream and illusion that only can be imaged.
The world should not be like this. Impossible to be like this. She imaged the relationship in the film, a stranger could adapted another stranger just because she looks like the dog that he had before. She met one guy who told her she looks like the dog he had before. So, she wrote an unpublished story talks about adapting person like adapting dog.

But, she still likes Banana more than Yoshimitsu Morita. That novel with the smell of death is with the cold mood which is still with some warmth, and the story line that is almost insane but still rational, is so much alike the fairy-tale, that is not polluted by the reality world.


1989, December
Lately autumn and early winter is the most beautiful season in Taipei. Walked outside the Theatre, and felt the cool air. Imagined the feeling of jumping into the swimming pool in the winter under 15 degree. Imagined Michitaka Tsutsui with his goggles stayed in the swimming pool. Breath.


1989, December, 24th
Dreamed about the bottle of water for a long time. But, it wasn't in the refrigerator, it was beneath the swimming pool.


1993, February
The strange linkage between Banana Yoshimoto and Joji Matsuoka. Must be a sense of foreboding of sadness. Banana's is a strange touching thought very closed to the death. Matsuoka's is the sense of absolute compulsory. Maybe because that goldfish is dumb. The water in my memory is still, like the water in the disinfected swimming pool, or just the bottle of water which is in the refrigerator. The disinfected water maybe clean but won't be free.


1994, One Noon in June
Passing by the flow of people on the street is so much alike floating in the sea. Walking in the city is more like in the swimming pool. Just read the comics talking about the supernatural power legends of the man-kind mermaid. Feel the environment surround became to under water world, and the crowds are so much like the seaweed, sea anemones, or plankton, and the flow of the water became the humming sound that was created in a confined space, she thought she might be just a little fish. A dumb fish which was stocked in the swimming pool. She constantly dreamed about the bottle of water. Longing for swimming. Drowned in the water is her best wish.

confusing mind

It's been a long time for my blog.
And I try to write it in English, though I'm not good at it.

I'm confused recently, and sometimes, I don't know what the life I live.
Sure, I work, I work everyday, and sometimes I work pretty hard, always overwork.
But what about my personal life? Any serious relationship? Not really had.
I just watched a TV series, called "Californication", that was introduced by a friend, it talks about a guy who was a writer before but he stops writing until his ex-wife's boyfriend gives him a job to write a blog. Is it strange? Yes, it is, but sometimes, life is strange as this, such as mine.

I don't want to talk about my personal life, but this TV series, I mean the guy, make me think of myself, just he's a man and I'm a woman. Sometimes, I think I pretty much fucked my life, too many meaningless dates, though I'm still kind and sweet as he is.

And just like him, I haven't written anything but work for a long long time. You know, I miss it, writing something to myself, yes, to myself, writing is the most efficient way to communicate with myself, not communicate with others. OK, you might think I'm too self-centered, yes, I am, but if it the only way that you can true to yourself, what do you do? You must do the thing as I do.

I like men, I really like, though sometimes, I don't, and as the guy in the TV series, I really believe he's true every woman, only at short period. Sometimes, you just fucked up the relationship and don't know why. Or sometimes, I just think, I might be a man, but sometimes I think I'm not, I'm pretty a woman. Maybe cuz my personality, or maybe everyone meets this situation, or maybe I just drink too much and think of these crapes.

Should stop this confusing mind of mine, and back to my normal and healthy life. But, is it life normal and healthy, I just don't know, just hope it is, and will follow it as I can.

風水，還是要信一下！

雖然很喜歡幫人算生命靈數，但我基本上比較是個“鐵齒“的人，真的花錢算命也只算過一次，對風水則是完全一竅不通。但是，真的遇上了，就算一次，也會徹底轉性，變成對一切未知事物保持虔誠、虛心的態度，不敢再隨便鐵齒了。

事情是這樣的。十個月前，我租了一個老房子，是老洋房喔，在上海最有巴黎氣氛的舊法租界裡，雖然整棟房子還有其他幾戶，但有一個庭院，房子也小小可愛的，特別因為前任房客（聽說是做室內裝潢的），整個房子有一種很特殊的異國情調。客廳是黃色的牆，米色的沙發，和黃黃紅紅的燈；臥室是暗紅色的牆，紫色的窗簾，最主要是床是有裝蚊帳的那種，看起來很像公主的床；至於浴室跟廚房也都小小的，但還蠻可愛的。OK，這是一個看起來很吸引人的房子，但有幾個美中不足的地方，像是客廳跟臥室之間有高低差，為了保留原來的櫥櫃，客廳跟臥室之間的通道很矮，矮到連我都得低頭才過得去；還有客廳的窗子只有一扇，是餐桌的位置，但這扇窗看出去的景還頂不錯的，可以看到一個圓頂的建築，不知道是教堂還是什麼的。其次的美中不足是，老房子特有的舊管線問題，冬天洗澡很麻煩，因為水壓不足，所以不是冷，就是燙，沒有所謂的溫跟熱，因此，我通常是泡澡，當然，洗頭很不方便，有時就去給別人洗。

聽起來，我好像蠻喜歡這個房子的，但我搬走了，且不滿一年，（好加在，住在北京的房東算是有良心的，沒有沒收我的押金）。為什麼要搬呢？是因為所謂的“美中不足“嗎？！OK，我當時所謂的美中不足，大多是出自生活機能的考慮，而“老房子的浪漫“跟“異國情調“是可以將生活機能犧牲掉的。而真正決定性的原因是，風水。

是啦，是風水，“你不是說不信嗎？“我想你要這樣問了。我怕了，所以我開始信了。老妹的一句話提醒我，“你住進去以後，好像沒有任何好事發生。“是喔。在這可愛的房子，我渡過我人生中最自我懷疑、最缺乏自信、最沒人賞識、也最生活糜爛的日子。A朋友說，“房子面北，缺乏陽光“。B朋友說，“房子裡的氣是悶的“，他繼續說，“你不覺得庭院裡兩棵大樹連夏天都會掉落葉很怪嗎？！“。因為諸多朋友和老妹的提醒，我也感覺這比較像是“情婦“的房子，因為整個風格很“情色“，而且自從我住進去以後就很懶得出門，感覺像是被包養的二奶。我記得曾跟朋友說，“這是以前一個外國商人的房子，他有很多老婆，還好我住的是大老婆住的“，朋友則說，“大老婆通常才是深閨怨婦，少人走動呢“。 很詭異吧，住在這房子裡，什麼都不順，一直自哀自憐，超不像我的。現在，好險，搬走了。

更神奇的事情來了。因為工作還沒有確定，加上省錢因素，我現在暫住在我老妹家。而我搬來的那天，我找了我神奇的朋友幫我搬東西，他告訴我，“你妹家，氣很旺。客廳跟餐廳，還有他的臥房都很好。你住的客房不是太好，所以儘量在客廳和餐廳活動。“ 因為上次的住屋經驗，我開始比較“不鐵齒“了。接著，在住了一個禮拜後，之前接的案子終於動起來了，剛開始還是很混亂，一直不斷修提，煩得很，但至少人是忙起來了。然後，兩個禮拜後，原本一直要面試的人終於有空碰面了。然後，過一天，以前客戶打電話找上門，要我回去做；接著，又是另一個朋友介紹另一個工作；運，終於轉動起來了。

現在，住了剛滿一個月，從煩惱太很少選擇到了煩惱太多選擇；甚至希望，轉運的力量不要過大，要剛剛好。雖然不是完全的如我所願，但已經有一半實踐我所想要的，“風水“似乎是有那麼點回事。

決定完工作的去向，就要開始找我的新家了，我想，這回“風水“第一，環境第二，裝潢第三，那交通就擺第四吧。

當處女座遇上另一個處女座

最近開始Dating，跟一個哥倫比亞人。為何說Dating呢？！因為說其他的都還太早。

OK，一開始是網友，接著變成MSN友，然後因為無聊以及DVD，我們開始交往。 為什麼說是DVD呢？你有聽過誰約會約在DVD店嗎？

事情是這樣的，第一次碰面我們約在咖啡廳，原因沒有其他，就是無聊，所以覺得出來喝個咖啡也不錯。見面聊天當然免不了介紹自己的國家，我說我那美麗的寶島台灣，不過這回沒像上回跟英國小男生那樣用力地像是觀光局的官方發言人，比較平實一點，當然也是因為這哥倫比亞人的話比英國小男生多了兩三倍。OK，他也說了哥倫比亞，並且強調已經不是我以為的毒梟跟槍枝王國，他很嚴肅地說，這稱號已經被“巴西“還有“阿根廷“拿走了。那，哥倫比亞剩下什麼呢？答案是，整型醫院。更巧的是，他家就是開整型醫院的。你一定很驚訝“整型“可以是一個國家的文化，除了韓國，我還真想不到哪個國家會這樣。他說，“亞洲整頸部以上，我們整頸部以下，我媽媽跟我三個妹妹的胸部都是做的。“是的，他家除了他小妹，因為年紀太小沒有整胸部，但小妹也不甘示弱，成為家裡第一個未婚媽媽。這種文化真的很，少見啦！

好了，插曲是很有趣，但卻不是我們可以發展的原因，絕不是因為我的胸部不須整型就很雄偉而開始一切的，大家可要相信，人還是因為腦部結構而有所吸引，外表只是第一印象罷了，嘿嘿，雖然他190，身材很好，長得也很可愛。我們是因為接下來的談話裁決定見第二次面的，那內容竟然是DVD。是的，我們都是DVD狂，劇情片、藝術片、紀錄片，管他什麼片，都愛看得不得了，幾乎每天都要看一張片，想遇到這樣跟自己一樣瘋電影的人，其實超級不容易。於是，有了第二次碰面。

還是在MSN開始的，突然聊到最近看的DVD，聊到到哪家DVD店補貨，他提到一家很靠近他家也很靠近我家的DVD店，我們決定一起前進DVD店，補貨去了！當然，雙方都失血頗多，我買了二十多張，他補了十張左右（附註，之前的週末他已經補了二十張以上），但金錢以外，稍有收穫，之後到咖啡廳的聊天又增加彼此的好感，“至少可以交換DVD，可以聊電影，甚至可以一起看DVD“。

於是，開始比較密切的交往，一個禮拜至少見面一次，咖啡廳或者DVD店，然後有一天，還是在MSN上，MSN真是個好東西，無聊時候打屁聊天，還是一個互相勾引的平台。原因還是無聊，哎，大家可能認為上海真的很無聊，是的，除了工作以外，哪有娛樂，特別是我們這種在台北或者歐洲玩遍了的人，（附註補充，這位哥倫比亞先生在大學時作為交換學生待了歐洲好幾個國家，所以除了西班牙文母語以外，英文和法文都ｏｋ），很常感到無聊。

那是個下雨天，他說很無聊，我說看DVD吧，因為上海只要下雨，你不想出門，就想待家裡；他說也是，看DVD吧，不過一個人還是很無聊，我就說那一起看吧，他立刻說好，MSN上立刻出現我家住址。然後，三十分鐘內，他出現在我家了。

OK，這個部份就此打住，其他的想大家自己發揮想像力。而我也必須回歸標題的內容了，談談兩個處女座的事情。

好了，交往就已經開始了，戲也開演了。我說過，我們是從交友網站認識的，但其實我根本沒有看過他的檔案，對他的了解其實是從聊天開始，好像已經變得很熟了。然後，有一天，我因為交友網站其他的網友的訊息，我又上了交友網站，是一時的突發奇想，我跑去看他的檔案。我嚇了一跳。

好的，他是處女座，我已經很久沒有認識同星座的人，特別也從未跟同星座的人交往過，過去想法是，能避則避。同星座就算了，接下了，嚇兩跳，三跳。都喜歡Radiohead，好，喜歡他們的人很多，我接受；都喜歡徐四金的香水，喜歡的書很多，寫在檔案的卻只有三四本，BINGO，中獎了；都喜歡偷拐搶騙，我喜歡的電影也多到不像話，能被寫進去檔案的也是三四部，又再度中獎，BINGO！還有同一首歌...，大約有四到五項興趣相同，一模一樣。

一切就是這麼巧合，當一個處女座欲上另一個處女座，喜歡同樣的事物，說話在同一個頻道，連焦慮跟心情的起伏都類似，這是我交往過許多人以來沒遇過的那麼多巧合。像是個有趣的實驗，或者一段可以發展的關係，兩個處女座的故事還在持續著，以後再說吧！

我不是幽默的女生

太久沒寫部落格，一動筆就來個這樣的標題，但並沒有要陳小姐那樣用一種詞或詩來寫，也不是過去自己有點躲躲藏藏的筆觸，而是受了老妹的潛移默化，口語，平民，順暢地說點自己的事。這算是老妹對我的良好影響之一，另外一個是開始會用擁抱跟語言去表達我的關心和去感情了。但，真的很抱歉，老妹的幽默感就是沒辦法影響到我。我不是幽默的女生。

沒有幽默感，甚至過去連欣賞的能力也很差，一直都對很多別人所謂的有趣的笑話冷感。比方說，別人說一個笑話，我不覺得好笑，但大家都笑了；於是我開始問哪裡好笑，朋友只好十分耐心但想辦法講得很有趣地告訴我“笑點“；結果，我聽完解釋以後表示，“我覺得一點都不好笑啊“，這種冷場的場面常常出現，老妹也因此稱我為“笑話殺手“。還有我說笑話總是說不好，但是提案我就十分在行，演講更是ｏｋ得不得了。好吧！言歸正傳，為何要寫這篇呢？是因為老妹部落格裡提到我那電影院糾察隊的英勇事蹟，不，應該說好笑事蹟吧！

我不是幽默的女生，沒錯，但我是個有時候很好笑的女生，太過認真，嚴肅到不像正常人的時候，就會很好笑。像是老妹寫的“拍拍手事件“是其一。還有時候，有鑑於自己的缺乏幽默感，朋友說笑話時，我會很認真，一直想哪裡好笑，結果大家都笑了，因為表情太奇怪，不是一種聽笑話的表情。總是因為自己行為造成的反差出現笑點，就是讓人笑出來。以前，我會很生氣，變臉，因為別人取笑我，且因為一個無聊的笑話；後來，決定就讓別人笑，反正大家高興就好，我的優秀不需要得懂得無聊笑話，刻薄笑話來證明。嚴正聲明喔，這裡，不是要展現優越感，因為我的優秀，老妹已經跟很多人宣傳了。

現在，比較懂得欣賞笑話了，即使還是說得很差，這一切可能因為比較放鬆一點了，不再那麼憤世忌俗，也不再那麼嚴肅巴巴了。但是，還是有時候會出現那種會令人發笑的表情，是啦，太認真思考的表情。曾有人說，“人類一思考，上帝就發笑“，我呢，是一思考，認真單細胞的表情，讓人忍不住笑出來，覺得我還蠻天真的，還有一點點的好笑。

我不是幽默的女生，但，我至少會笑，還有，有一點讓人會笑出來的能力啦。